Dear Hours in a Day,
May 12th, 2010

There simply are not enough of you. Is there any way you can multiply? I am not sure we need a bunch more of you, though a few would be highly appreciated.

I haven’t nearly enough time to find a job, cook food, edit a manuscript, write a new version of my show, work on a lecture, walk the dog, make love, stock the store, unpack the condo, read a good book, get healthier, keep up with all correspondents, maintain The Last Year of My Thirties, and keep my sanity.

Something will have to give, something indeed, and it may be writing letters here- unless others step up and write away to their heart’s content. We will publish them most assuredly. Until this happens, this platform may be a little lacking.

My apologies,
sm

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Posted in Hours in a day |
Dear Nicholas Sparks,
March 31st, 2010

You recently blasted the public for audaciously suggesting you write romance novels. You seem to believe that you write novels, tried and true fiction, because that is where the bookstores shelve your books while they wait to be sold. Bless your sweet little heart for having such delusions about yourself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of romance novels, novels that have romance in them, romantic stories, romantic interludes, romantic dinners, romantic movies, romancing a situation and romancing the stone. I am a fan of such things because they make no pretense as to what they are. They even have the refreshing spirit to own what they are right out loud. I would like to point out that many romance novels have been intricately written, surpassing the elementary level that one may find in the works of your– what did you call it– fiction?

In today’s world of commerce and fast paced lives, works of fiction have been placed in representative categories. These genres, so to speak, make it easier for that pesky person who wants to read a book to narrow in on what their specific mood calls for. Sometimes, those idiots we call readers, have a hankering for a mystery, or a fantasy, or a thriller, and yes, sometimes even a romance. It may not make it right, but it makes it easier. And, yes, some works in these sub categories of…wait for it…fiction, have a formulaic feel. Those that do, admit it, and those that don’t can soar high above some of the classics with their imagery, prose, dialogue, sex and magic. So, to claim the snobby position that your work is better than works one may find down the romance aisle is absolutely absurd. Also, here’s a little nugget you may not have had the time to consider, in this modern day filing system for literature, guess who would have been in the romance section were they writing today? Austen, Tolstoy, Flaubert, Hardy, Bronte, Hugo, Fitzgerald, and even some works from Dickens, to name a few.

Nicky, Nicholas, Nico, Sparky, Sparksalot- I tried to read one of your books. Unfortunately, the pace and stagnant tone that greeted me, stopped this process. I would like to thank you, however, for I had a white trash party to attend that evening and needed something to boost my oufit. The aforementioned copy of The Notebook, that I had tried to read, accentuated my trashy look perfectly. I have dabbled in a few of the movies that have been adapted from your books. Remember, I make no bones about admitting my taste runs to the romantic. A Walk to Remember, if memory serves, was about an unlikely romance between a popular fuck up and the terminally ill preacher’s daughter.  The Notebook, I viewed because, well, James Garner and Gena Rowlands are very talented and the story line of a romance between a socialite and a lowly construction worker that survived all the odds was intriguing. Besides, the shoes Rachel McAdams got to wear in the film were fantastic. Message in a Bottle, yes, I remember this romance between a jaded newspaper woman and an old heartbroken widower. Then there was, Nights in Rodanthe, another romantic tale between two people who had isolated themselves for far too long. I have not seen Dear John, nor The Last Song, however, a few of my teenage nieces, and young lady friends have swooned over the love stories and romance they both entail over facebook and twitter updates.

I took a glance at your website. It is simple and succinct and shows the covers of the books and the movie posters. Funny how so many of them have a close up of two people hugging or kissing or snuggling. Crazy how anyone would think these tales are romantic?! If you insist upon staking your claim in the world of fiction, and not dipping your toe in the romance world, you may want to change some of the wording that describes your books as well. For example:

drama centered around a rebellious teenage girl’s romantic…

resonates with our deepest hopes for finding everlasting love…

their mutual attraction quickly grows into the kind of love…

embark upon a passionate and all-consuming love affair…

These are only a few I found in my limited time capacity that may need a little tweaking. I am only here to serve.

sincerely,
sm

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Posted in Nicholas Sparks |
Dear She Writes Letters,
January 5th, 2010

I thought we were an original, a top of the line idea. I am so sorry weren’t. I do still like us and think it a valuable venue and I will continue to see what may come of us, but I am sorry that we were late to the party.

Yes, we are a bit different from the few other letter writing platforms I have encountered. One being that they actually send the letters to the recipients and post the replies, the other, well- it is big and the hipsters are all over it and vying to be published there. We are at least more quaint and all inclusive, and I applaud us for that.

There is room for all the letters of the world, and we shall give a home to those that need us and surely the love will flow because of it.

Sincerely,
sm

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Posted in She Writes Letters |
Dear Reebok,
November 20th, 2009

I have recently caught a commercial in what I cam only assume is your new ad campaign. It showcases a very attractive body of a physically fit woman. It left me saying:

WHAT????!!!!!!

What happened to you? Why have you stooped so low as to utilize speaking body parts? When I was young you were so great. So clean and white and sparkly. You held the promise of support. If one chose to run or walk or play ball, you would be there to help them in these pursuits. You were expensive and that made you elite and coveted. Your reputation remain untarnished, you were the shoe choice for those who wanted a quality supportive friend to put their feet in to and go on a physical adventure. You were trusted and relied upon and loved. You were above all the hype- though certainly your product produced a bunch of hype. And now, in this day and age chock full of insecurities that women cannot even be friends with other women because of bitter superficial jealousies- you, Reebok, you, run an ad hoping to motivate potential buyers by making tits jealous of ass.

Tits jealous of ass- on the same body! Seriously? Tits jealous of their own ass- all because your shoes claim to firm the aforementioned ass, and how- by just wearing them? Now, by way of your suggestion, women only need to look in the mirror and turn to the side to start a fight with themselves and further embed scarring insecurities that lead to all sorts of diseases and disorders. Well done, Bravo. And while we are on the subject of objectification, for that is what you are very thinly veiling, why women? Where are the close up crotch shots of men? Why no liberty trails talking to pecks? If you are going to make a claim about shoes helping to tone asses, you’d make less asses of yourselves if it was at least an equal opportunity porn fest ad.

Here’s a thought- show what you are advertising. A beauty shot of a pair of sparkling new ass firming reebok shoes may have elevated the commercial a tad bit. As it stands, no shoes were present, and therefore I can assume they were not harmed, in the making of that commercial. I wish I could say the same about women, society and your souls! Yes that pun was intended, you sexist abhorrent jerks.

Sincerely,
sm

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Posted in Reebok |
Dear Fellow Nova Scotians,
November 11th, 2009

…who are complaining that they can’t get the H1N1 vaccine today because the day has been taken off to honour our War Veterans. You can go ahead and thank a Vet that you can even make such a complaint. Wash your hands and go tomorrow, today is a day of Remembrance – have some respect!

Patricia George Zwicker


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Posted in Uncategorized |
Dear McDonalds,
October 30th, 2009

When will it all end? Why must you be so pervasive and corrosive? Is it because you are cheap and addictive? Isn’t it enough that you have completely revamped the layout of the land, making yourself synonymous with the US and therefore cheapening the inhabitants of the land and making us the mockery of the world?

I have many reasons to hate you, many I have voiced and many more I have simmered with in my brain- vainly stopping it from exploding. However, the topic of today’s letter is to plead with you to stop your sexist marketing and brainwashing. Your actions may seem benign, they may appear to be an easy form of communication- yet they are not, I promise you with every fiber of my being.

Stop assigning gender to your toys and thereby Happy Meals. This makes me so very less than happy, I haven’t enough words to express this to you adequately. People should be allowed to develop their tastes for things without being told, “this is for a boy and this is for a girl.” Lots of boys like ponies and princesses and cats and even more girls like robots and space adventures and dogs. Furthermore- please discard all pink and blue- what was wrong with your red and yellow- they are so pleasing in their non gender defining, non stereotypical, non sexist hues.

Seriously, this is doing aggressive harm. I realize that I may appear silly to many and especially to your well meaning attempt to make it simple for folks who care not to observe what their children may be drawn to naturally and then selecting a toy for them based on that, yet it is wrong- on so many levels.

I apologize for confusing the employees who ask me over and over and over again if I want that Happy Meal for a boy or a girl. However, I will not respond on your terms, and therefore to their vocabulary. I will continue to ask for the toy with which I would like my Happy Meal to be supplied and we will work it out at the second window all the same. I have to start somewhere and if this causes your countdown ‘get-them-out-of-here-before-the-food-could-possibly-be-adequately-prepared-and-cooked’ meter to explode, then maybe you will listen and begin to understand the harm you cause.

With Equality for ALL!
Sincerely,
sm

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Posted in McDonalds |
Dear Patriot Act,
September 25th, 2009

Fuck  you.

The amount of fear you have instilled into a nation under the guise of being a congressional act is disgusting. The extra amount of documentation one now needs to merely get paid less than a living wage is wasteful and unjust.

Sincerely,
sm

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Posted in Patriot Act |
Dear Metro,
September 10th, 2009

You can either hit people with your trains or you can raise fares. You cannot, however, do both.

Trepidatiously,
Mike

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Posted in Metro |
Dear Texas,
September 6th, 2009
Please leave the Union. Then you can tell your kids not to listen to a President’s speech in a public school. Hell, I had to listen to Ronald Reagan’s diatribe in 4th grade about trickling down and Gay Related Immune Deficiency as it was known at the time (now we know it as AIDS and know it affects more druggies.) I was in fourth grade. All Obama wants to do is tell kids to be responsible for themselves, stay in school, and get an education. OH HEAVENS ME!

Sincerely,
A Pissed Off New Yorker, aka Courtenay

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Posted in Texas |
Dear Casey Siemaszko,
September 5th, 2009

It took me awhile to see you, recognize you, as the taxi driver whose car breaks down in that commercial for something or other where the guy who picks you up drives really fast. I don’t know what the commercial is for- nor do I care. I hate commercials. Even though I was born with a natural ad man’s wit- I abhor advertising. Sure sure sure, I venture there is merit in it somewhere, it did bring us the wonderful show Mad Men, yet outside of that, it leaves me angry. It muddles attention spans and convinces the masses that they need useless harmful things to be complete.

So, you may be able to imagine my surprise when I was struck by your goofy grin in a commercial. It took me awhile to place you with your name and even longer for me to try and say your name out loud. I still have not mastered the pronunciation, you’ll have to forgive me for that. Once I realized it was indeed you, after a rare middle of the night viewing of Young Guns, I cannot shake my concern. What happened? Why are you hocking some such thing?

An ex old friend’s husband (long story, clearly) once said, “everyone needs tires for their truck.” It became a statement we would use when we wanted to see an actor do something, i.e.- “I wish Casey Siemaszko needed tires for his truck.” Is that what happened? Did you need tires for your truck?

I looked you up on the new fangled internet site IMDB, only to discover that you have been working consistently since way back when until 2008. I apologize for missing the bulk of your canon, I will set to renting or borrowing or on-demanding some of your work. Right now, however, I merely want to know why. Has it been a hard dry year since the last gig in 2008? Are you no longer a practicing Zen? Why Casey, why?

It isn’t that I haven’t enjoyed seeing your face, though a tad scruffy. And it isn’t that I wish you without a job. It is just that I have such high hopes for you. I want to see you turning hollywood on its heel by your promise and charisma. I want you to have more than you need from film roles with depth and pushing the boundaries of television’s iq. This has been a wish of mine since the eighties when you would appear along side obvious stereotypical leading men- whatever the hell that means. I could see you were different and hoped you had depth and that one day your time to shine would come and I would be there telling everyone who had just discovered you, “I knew. I told you so.”

Perhaps I am too much of a champion for the underdog, the underrated, the unnoticed. Perhaps it is my lot in life to support the true yet overlooked. I can live with that. But you, Casey, you in commercials- that has me stupefied.

Courteously,
sm

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Posted in Casey Siemaszko |
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